whitesnake, circa 1987
i’m taking a page from amanda’s book.
there are two sides to me – the only child/loner who can entertain herself for hours and the social butterfly who can’t stand to be alone and needs to feel the acceptance and love from others.
hmmmmm…how the hell does one work that out?
let’s focus on the part where i need to feel included and accepted. this isn’t a new concept, i’m not the only person who craves these things, but it’s certainly been a running theme in my life, as far as relationships are concerned.
fear of abandonment, of being alone, of being left behind, of simply not being included in friday night plans…fear of feeling like no one gets you or wants to be with you…
is anyone’s heart racing? are your palms starting to sweat? as i write these things, i gotta be honest, i’m feeling a bit of anxiety.
but not like i used to.
for years, i’ve stayed in relationships for the wrong reasons….mainly, so as not to be alone. i mean, i must be a failure if i can’t maintain a relationship! what’s wrong with me if i can’t make it work? aw heck, i’ll just stick around and make it work. besides, no one’s perfect. what else is out there for me? what if i don’t find someone or something better?
hmmmm…settling is fine.
it’s not fine. it’s tragic. and sad. and it’s the easy way out. (or in?)
but up until recently, i was simply afraid to be alone…so those thoughts and ideas were comforting in their own little [DENIAL-like] way.
as most of you know, i was in a relationship with WrW.
everything was great for a while, but then it just started to go downhill. it didn’t feel right. i don’t think he was happy either. and after a few weeks of constant bickering and a lack of understanding between us, there was only one thing left to do…end it.
it hurt like hell. i’ve never been the type to leave a relationship. i always end up with the broken heart, never fully understanding what went wrong. not to say that i broke WrW’s heart, but for me, for the first time in my life…i felt that this relationship wasn’t right for me. or for him.
the realization that i was about to be without a significant other, without the “couple” status, without the words “i love you” every day…was a really hard pill to swallow.
but guess what? it wasn’t that hard to swallow when i finally came to the conclusion that “this is the best decision for ME.”
the power to be honest [with myself] and let go of something that didn’t feel right, even though i’d be “alone”…was liberating! i stood right up to “alone” and said…”F YOU! i’m gonna be just fine. better even.”
from there, i stood back and took inventory of all the relationships i currently had in my life and decided…time to clean up. time to rid myself of anything that’s not positive for me. time to get rid of any poison that was keeping me from being happy and living my life to the fullest.
i ended a loooong friendship, that quite frankly, should have ended years ago. i should’ve listened to what outsiders said about this person, but you know what…part of living life and learning lessons, is to learn and see for yourself. it’s more rewarding when that “ah ha!” moment hits.
along with ending that friendship, i decided something else…i’d rather have a couple really close friends, then a bunch acquaintances. i don’t need to have plans every weekend or 6 friends to call when things are getting stressful in the day-to-day. i have me, i have my son, i have family, and i have a few good QUALITY friends.
life is good!
the slate has been wiped clean. i’m more secure in myself, i know what i want, what i don’t want, who i want to be, who i am…it feels so good. really. my heart is so full these days.
but wait, there’s more! because i let go of situations/relationships that weren’t good for me, other doors started opening! doors that held amazing things behind them! exciting things! i won’t share too much right now, but i’m really really happy with thoughts of my future. eep! but alas, i must remain patient and let life happen as it’s supposed to. i do believe that i’m more apt to make better decisions at this point in my life. who wants to mess up a clean slate??
now, back to being alone…
i’ve put together a list of activities that i want to do…all.by.myself! *gasp*
these are things that aren’t typically done alone, but i don’t know…i guess i’m trying to prove something to myself. sometimes, i think, we appreciate things more when we do them alone.
so, here’s the list!
*go to a movie
*have lunch in a cafe
*spend the day at venice beach, rent a beach cruiser, and ride up and down the boardwalk
*plant something (my green thumb is nonexistent)
*no tv for a week
*go on a weekend road trip. just me myself and i.
*go to a museum or art exhibit
*write one letter a month…to anyone…family, friend, another blogger maybe?
if you have anything to add…let me know!
it feels so good to talk about this out loud. i’ve been meaning to for weeks, but i wasn’t sure how to put it into words. i realize it was a bit lengthy, so if you read it all…thank you! i always hope to inspire.
tank – abercrombie & fitch
cardigan – urban outfitters
skirt – lucky brand
hat – thrifted
vintage wedges – etsy
sunnies – gift
in closing (whoa! so profesh sounding.), don’t be so afraid of the unknown. sure, life can be scary if you stray from what you’re used to, but take it from me…it can be exhilarating and liberating and maybe…just maybe…something even better will come out of it. always be honest with yourself. because if you can’t be honest with yourself…who are you honest with?
ps. obviously these are my opinions based on my life experiences. as i said before, you have to learn on your own. ;)