eeeeeep! my luvah is on his way to see me…as.i.write.this.
have i told you about him? ahh…silly me. i have not.
back, waaaaay back when i was a junior in high school, i met MP. and let me tell you…i was not initially impressed with this creature. he was a year older than me, drove a corvette (what.ever.), played soccer (whoopty doo), all the girls loved him (eye roll), and overall…i think he thought he was too cool for school.
i refused to be charmed.
until one day…
i heard he thought i was cute. really? corvette boy digs me??
well that certainly changed the way i looked at him. corvette? hot. soccer player? sexy. all the girls like him? hmmm…i’ll make him mine.
i told a friend, who told another friend, to tell MP that i’d go out with him if he asked.
he did, we had fun, and we were damn near inseparable for almost 2 years. like, disgusting inseparable. holding hands in the hallways, kissing and googley eyes at our lockers..all the things that cause people to shout, “get a room!”
so we did.
he was my first love and my first…well…you know. he even bought me a promise ring…a promise that we both took very seriously…that we’d be together forever.
ahhhhh, young love.
and then i went off to college and decided that the long distance thing wasn’t working for me. so, we broke up. truth be told, as much as i loved MP, i didn’t appreciate his love. i couldn’t fully understand (at the time) how much love and respect he had for me. i was young. i had nothing to compare it to. yet.
about a year later, we had a “falling out” of sorts…tears, broken promises, broken hearts…it was sad, but we both moved on…separately. i was living in CA and he was still in IL…he was a frat boy and i was eventually a new mommy.
we kept in touch over the years. through email, phone calls, and the occasional meet up when i would go home to visit my family. there were still feelings there, but what could we do? nothing. we were too different, living totally different lives, in completely different time zones.
several years ago, MP called. “i’m moving to reno!”
it seemed like a no-brainer. he’s closer, we should meet up! we talked about it many times. he could come visit me in california or i could fly to nevada…but it never happened. i was in and out of relationships or we would simply lose touch. however, i made the, “hey stranger” phone call every time i was fresh out of a relationship. seeking what? comfort in someone who knew me better than anyone? the words “i still love you”? i wasn’t ready for MP, so why did i continue to torture him with empty promises of visits and the possibility of re-visiting our love?
simple. it wasn’t our time. i wasn’t ready.
i navigated myself in and out of heartbreak. when will i find him? the one. where is he?
two years ago, MP fed it to me straight…”i’m in a relationship. furthermore, the only time you call me is when you’ve just gotten out of a relationship.”
there it was…i had been scolded. so i stopped. i was no longer numero uno on his list. and as much as he still probably loved me…he had to move on. all i did was give him false hope. and he was over it.
fast forward to june of this year. finally, after months of talking through email and on the phone, i head out to nevada to meet christina and her family. she picks me up from the airport, it’s very late at night, we’ve only known each other, “irl”, for 15 minutes…
i turn to her and say…my first love lives here. in reno. he used to work at the atlantis. (as it looms in the distance, against the dark sky.) christina, i’m here to meet you, a complete stranger…but in the 5 or more years that he’s lived here, i’ve never been out to see him. isn’t that odd?
we both fall utterly silent, i think i heard a bug scream as it hit her windshield…and then the moment passes and we go on with our weekend. i go on with my life. i didn’t even give it a second thought, nor did i bring it up again.
now it’s july…i’m in IL visiting my mom. not even 24 hours into my trip, she says…
“have you talked to MP? i’ve always really liked him for you. i wonder what he’s up to these days? you should call him.”
my reply: mom, i don’t have his number or his email address. i don’t even know what i’d say to him. we haven’t spoken in two years. besides, WrW and i just broke up…what will MP think?? i can’t. it’s just not a good idea.
but for hours after, i can’t stop thinking about MP. especially since i’m home…there are memories all around me…thoughts of special moments, places we used to hang out, laughs we shared…it’s all rushing back.
i give in. i contact a friend of MP’s sister, via facebook. i explain to her that i’m trying to get in touch with him…could she get a message to his sister?
within the day, MP has contacted me.
over the next several days, we chit chat…i’m single, he’s single…he professes that he’s still in love with me, that no one has ever or will ever compare to me, that he’d given up hope in the love department…and now that he has me back in his life…he will never let me go.
i am floored and overwhelmed. but it makes sense and it feels right.
or does it?
“we have to meet”, he says. “we have to see if the feelings are still there.”
so, i fly out to see him. and those old feelings…are still there. only now we’re older, wiser…we’ve lived more life. we can appreciate each other in a different way. no longer horny teenagers, dry-humping on the couch…we’re adults now. and we’re privy to what we want and what we don’t want. it’s not simply lust that drives our [potential] love. it’s realizing that we want the same things. and the sparks are gearing up for a pretty big flame.
but wait…i just came to terms with being alone! i’m okay with it! i have a list a mile long of “things to do alone”…wtf is happening?!
who cares. it’s happening.
it’s been two months since we reconnected. we talk every day, i’ve been to reno to visit him, he’s been to visit me once and now he’s coming again!
after all these years, my first love is back in my life. it’s so crazy to me! not only that, but i met christina, who lives near MP, before i even reconnected with him! it blows my mind.
will my first love be my last? we shall seeeee. but it feels good…i can 100% be myself around him. he loves me, for me. he laughs at me, with me…we share the same ideas about family and life. he’s kind, genuine, willing to learn, easy to communicate with…i finally feel understood and comfortable.
as i wrap up this post, my eyes are welling with tears. but they are tears of happiness! so don’t get it twisted.
i would ask that you keep your fingers crossed for us, but i don’t think it’s necessary this time.
i know this photo is super blurry, but taylor begged me to put it in my post for today. i mean, can you blame him?! check out the air i’m getting!
vintage blouse – thrifted
vintage necklace – thrifted
lace table runner, turned belt – thrifted
skirt – nordstrom
**photos by taylor**
thanks for letting me share. i’ve been trying to put it into words for weeks. today, finally, it came naturally.
have a great weekend. you know i will!