a couple of years ago, i had this discussion with my doctor…
“dr, i am straight up evil, every month, right before aunt flo comes to visit. i can’t stand anyone. i can’t even stand myself. i’m cranky, i’m mean, my road rage is at a 10, i have no patience. i can’t live like this. it affects my relationships, i feel like a bad mom…help!”
she offered that, like many women, it sounds like i have a bad case of pmdd. she prescribed a very low dosage of “zoloft” (antidepressant), suggested that i take it the week before aunt flo comes a knockin’, then sent me on my skeptical merry way. note – she also suggested that i could take it every day, all the time…but that it was up for me to decide.
originally, i went with her first suggestion, but i liked the way it made me feel…i slept better, i felt happier, i wasn’t as emotional, i even lost some weight. not that i needed to, but it was almost as if it acted like an appetite supressant…so, i started taking it on a regular basis.
throughout the last couple of years, i’ve taken the medication sporatically…sometimes because i had forgotten to fill the rx for a week or two, other times because i thought maybe i didn’t need it. but then i’d start eating like a pig and gain 3 lbs (big deal, right?), or i’d get super emotional about the smallest thing. so, i’d rush to the drug store, request a refill, and start all over again.
whew. i was back to normal. or was i?
(mom, dad…if you’re reading…close your eyes for a minute…)
there were a few drawbacks…
1. low libido. while sex was still on the agenda, i wasn’t overly excited about it. i certainly didn’t initiate and the thought of parading around in lingerie and “f” me heels seemed ridiculous. not to mention…excuses, excuses…i’m too tired. i’m not in the mood. eh, later. i mean…who was i? that’s not the paige i know, but that’s who i’d become.
2. i was more withdrawn. i didn’t share as much, which isn’t like me either. i’m usually opinionated, witty, outspoken…hell, i’ll tell my life story to anyone who will listen. a bum on the street, strangers on the interwebs…my life is an open book. i have nothing to hide. yet i was keeping it all in, locked up tight.
3. a lack of inspiration. i had no desire to enjoy everything life has to offer…going for walks, appreciating people, life, nature, exploring, working out, going for runs…all things that i used to embrace before the medication took over. instead, i found that i was bored, not interested.
looking back, i realize that i was kinda lazy and had taken on a very blase blah attitude.
it’s like i was numb. unable to reply, unable to make sense of things. not sure what to say or how to respond to issues that were outside of my little realm.
i mean, isn’t an antidepressant supposed to do the opposite of all that?!
is it possible that it affected me in the reverse??
as of two weeks ago, i decided to stop taking it. reconnecting with MP and getting to know him all over again, has made me realize just how lucky i am to have found such an amazing man. for the first time, i feel 100% loved for who i am and i don’t want to take it for granted. i don’t want to miss it, don’t want to be numb to it. thing is, MP has always loved me like that. the good, the bad, the ugly. he’d rather have me in my “raw” form…sassy attitude, outspoken nature, often emotional, über sensitive, sometimes anxiety ridden…it doesn’t matter. he can handle it. he wants to handle it.
in fact, i gave him a choice…medicated, lackluster, low libido paige OR…paige.
he chose me.
(crazy bastard. love him.)
in the last two weeks (since not taking it) i’ve noticed several things, differences in myself that i am loving!
my head feels clearer
i’m more motivated
words flow easier
i have more patience than ever
i’m calmer, more peaceful
i’m more organized
i’m working harder at the office
i feel a drive within me that i haven’t felt in a while
i’m more aware of others
i’ve been spending more time outdoors
sex sounds like fun (wink wink)
look. i am who i am. yes i’m sensitive and over-emotional and worry too much, but that’s me. i’m not willing to compromise or bury that person any longer.
call me crazy for airing this very personal information publicly, but it feels good. i don’t mind sharing my self-discoveries with you. my blog isn’t just about my love of fashion and vintage…it’s about my life. so the haters can hate and go look at inspirational pictures of runway models in the spring/summer 2011 collections…elsewhere.
thank you. for sticking around to read this…if you even did. i may have lost you at zoloft. if so, that’s okay.
i have to remember that the important peeps in my life love me for me. so i might as well give the people what they want. haha!
now let’s talk about my outfit. it’s pretty simple, but the accessories make it fantastic!(in my humble opinion)
sweater & tights – nordstrom. skirt – bcbg. vintage, southwest print belt – thrifted.
kisses and have a lovely weekend.