separation anxiety

today was hard.  i felt completely lost.  without my daughter, our routine…and at work.
i know that everything will work out, that a new routine will be established and eventually everyone will be okay with the new arrangements.  however, i can’t help but feel that i let my daughter down, today.  without warning, little zoey was thrown into a new situation – new people, new sounds, new environment…but no mommy.  and although i knew this day was coming, no amount of psych-ing myself up could prepare my heart for the separation – it rocked my world.  i mean, we’ve bonded for 4 months…learned about each other, irritated each other, shared first moments, giggled, cried…built the foundation of love and trust.

truth is…aside from being thrown for a loop and not getting enough rest, zoey has no idea what’s happening.  i know i didn’t really   let her down.  i’m the one suffering from separation anxiety!  isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?!
i had high hopes for her first day in childcare, but i knew deep down that it would be rough…
when i picked her up {i only worked a half day}, she was in her sitter’s arms, the rims of her eyes red, her little eyebrows furrowed in confusion…”where have you been, woman?!”
i was informed that she hadn’t slept much at all {maybe an hour, tops!  which isn’t enough for her!}, but that she drank her bottle and seemed okay when held.  i was immediately sort of irritated that there appeared to be only one “teacher” per child…zoey was one of 4! how in the world could one woman care for my child and 3 others?
i felt sad for little zoey.
and when we got in the car to come home…i cried.  hard.  i called my mom and cried.  harder.
what an emotional day.  i totally wasn’t prepared for how sad i felt.  and still feel, as i write this.

needless to say, her lack of sleep hasn’t helped with our afternoon/evening routine.  it took what seemed like forever to get her to sleep tonight…she cried and cried and cried…ugh.  the upside?  maybe she’ll sleep her little heart out and mommy will get a full night’s sleep.  unfortunately, i’m already dreading a repeat performance for tomorrow.

  will someone just reassure me that she will be okay…that she’ll fall into a routine soon…that it may just take a few days…

sure could use some “hang in there mama” ‘s …maybe a few “chin up charlie” ‘s …

all dramatic mommy feelings aside…how effing rad is this coat.  right?!

vintage necklace – dear golden
blouse – UO
trench – bb dakota/UO
thrifted vintage trousers – ann klein
heels – steve madden {from way back}


21 thoughts on “separation anxiety

  1. Oh honey… Hang in there! I know it’s so, so hard, but you guys can do this, I promise! I know we had a totally different experience because I had to be back so soon, but I remember really appreciating what some of my mom-friends told me: that while you can’t really prepare a new little one for a new setting in the way we’d need to be prepared as grown ups, the little guys are really adaptable and you guys will develop a routine that works and eases the transition to and from, and this is way, way harder on you than it is on her! You aren’t letting her down at all — you’re setting a wonderful example for her of what a superhero her mama is! Hang in there — you have a fabulous little girl who loves you so much, and needs you to be strong for her!

    Seriously, I know it’s brutal… I still have nights when I sit there thinking “oh, come on… Please wake up so we can snuggle?” and that’s just totally messed up.

    Email/tweet/whatever if you need anything. Fingers crossed for you tomorrow!

  2. I promise, it will be better for you and little Zoey. It’s the worst, but it won’t be forever. *hugs*
    Be strong mama, and cry when you need to.
    I don’t know where you are in LA, but I had the BEST home-based daycare for my son when we lived out there. Maria loved my son like her own, and she still sends him Xmas and birthday gifts! She’s on the eastside….;)

    PS Frickin amazing coat!

  3. HUGS!!!! Paige, my heart broke reading this. I’ve watched a few of my co-workers go through the same thing. It does get better. You do fall into a routine. It may feel like utter hell right now, but it will get better! You can do this!

  4. i can only imagine how tough that is. i’m not a mom (well, i am a dog mom, not the same) but a friend of mine is going through the same thing. she’s been back to work for a few weeks, and it has gotten better with time. both she and baby have adjusted. you’ll be fine!

    also, you look super cute. great colors and that coat is awesome.

    :) laura

  5. Sending you a gigantic internet hug. I’m pretty sure the worst (day 1) is over. I imagine it will only get easier as the days go. You’re a badass trooper Paige. chin up!

    How’s that?

  6. oh paige!!!!! i am so sorry. it’s always a hard transition, that initial separation, that first giving her away. but it will get easier. and then you will cherish the time you are away just as much as you covet the moments with her. it’s the balance that you have. and one day she’ll look back and realize that you didn’t want to leave her, but that it was the best choice for your family at the time. and she’ll be proud of her mama who had to sacrifice for her betterment. kids are so resilient. i only wish we were as flexible and forgetful as they! but really, you are an amazing mother. and a super hot one at that :)

  7. Hi Paige,

    It will be fine! Soon you will pick her up from her sitter and she will smile at you cause she had a great time and is very glad to see you…
    And the other three children….well I never heard of a child that doesn`t like to hang out with other children.
    So don`t feel bad, she will like it and become a social human being!


    ps. You will probably hate it much longer, but that will pass away too!

  8. Aw, you’ll be okay! And so will the little lady :) Little ones are pretty resilient. And having other children there will be okay for Zoey too. Of course all of us working mama’s would love to have one person caring solely for their child to help ease our worry of being away but I’m certain all will be well. Hang in there darlin’, you both are going to adjust and all will be right with the world soon enough :)

    If it helps, kids tend to have an easier time adjusting to change than us big people so she’ll be fine as soon as the routine settles in.

  9. Sweet girl. You are going to get things sorted out. You’ll hit a routine, her sleeping will adjust (I can testify! Amen!), and soon you’ll learn to enjoy the time you have to be out in the world being you and doing what you do.

    Here for you if you need to vent. Skype soon.

    And yes, the coat is RAD.

  10. {Sending big bear hugs through cyberspace}
    I know how much this friggin sucks….I only had 6 weeks home with both of mine. Now that I have been home with them these past three months, I don’t know how I ever did it. But we do. And we are ok. And they are ok. But it just hurts so bad in the meanwhile…doesn’t it???
    As many joys as we celebrate as Mama’s, there is a lot of heartache that comes along with it. xoxoxo This too shall pass!

    P.S. The coat rocks!
    P.P.S. I have to admit I was a bit more than just jealous when Emily tweeted she was heading out there in February! When do we meet indeed?!?!?

  11. Ohhh, this broke my heart. I send you pixie dust and a million hugs and reassuring “it’s gonna be just fine” related comments. Mom guilt is the worst and I’m convinced (after going through my own ups-and-downs) that it’s actually worse on us than them. Time will flow and move and heal. Everyone will adjust. And she’ll be okay … but I know saying all of this doesn’t make it *feel* any better. Hang in there, Mama. And remember to breathe. And it’s okay to cry. And to cry hard. xo

  12. it is super hard but you will be better than okay…you + z will be GREAT. i promise, 100x over.

    (i also need to repeat this to myself every morning. somehow, i thought it would be easier the 2nd time around…..waaaahhh!)

    WE will continue to be rock star mommies!


  13. oh mama.. I have no basis to give you reassurances seeing as how my babies are all furry, but I have faith that Zoe will adapt in no time, just like the bad ass that her mom is. I also think that it’s a sign of how amazing a mother you are that you are having such extreme separation issues.. Zoe is a lucky little lady! Wish I was there to give you a real bear hug, but an internet one [accompanied by cat hair, cuz let’s be honest] will have to suffice til we are closer. Love you!!

  14. I’m not a mom (as far as I know) but I feel so awful for you. I can’t even imagine having to go back to work so soon after a new baby. I am so thankful Canada has a year mat leave…
    Hugs for you love!

  15. dearest paige,
    i can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling and what your day must have been like….but i can offer some encouragement by telling you that i KNOW you are STRONG and that precious little zoey has her mama’s genes (obviously…she’s a spicy ginger!) and she is a strong little fighter too. i will send positive thoughts your way and keep my fingers crossed that when you pick up your baby girl tomorrow that she is well rested and smiling a big smile for her mama! on the up side, you look damn fine, lady! ;)

  16. Pingback: unexpected things «

  17. It’ll all be good! If it makes you feel any better, I work in childcare in the baby room and I love my babies to bits. They all get plenty of attention and cuddles and she will fall into her own routine quickly. So put on a brave face, I’m sure she’s having a ball with all the other babies and making her own little baby friends =]

  18. dear god, paige! you know how to make a girl cry, here! *sniff, sniff* i am so sorry and sad for you and little z-lady! but, i am sure it will get easier. in a few days she’ll get comfortable in her new surroundings, and in a few weeks she’ll be a pro and this new routine. heck, she might even LIKE it! :)

    hang in there, my loves!!! xoxoxo

  19. Pingback: thanks, 2011 «

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s