i was just thinking…

{insert, “oh that must be so difficult for you” joke here}

hardee har-har, people.

but seriously.
is this all there is?  i can’t complain too much about my life.  i’m happy.  i married an amazing man, i have two great kids, a good job with great benefits.  we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs.  we get to splurge every now and again.  we’re surrounded by people who love us. 

all that and a bag of chips, yet something is missing for me.  which makes me wonder if maybe i’ll never be completely happy.  or maybe i’m just ungrateful?  no, that’s not it.  i’m totally grateful.

but i need more…or something different…or a change, perhaps.

okay, so…raise your hand if you’re doing what you want to be doing. 
raise your hand if you stopped doing what you didn’t want to be doing and then started doing what you want to be doing.  and then email me with tips on how to get the cajones to do such a thing. 

because you know what i want?  i want to go back to school and study literature.  i love to read, i love to write.  i want to immerse myself in novels written by the best authors on the planet.  and then i want to be one of them.  i want to write a book or write for a magazine or a newspaper.  i want to be known for my words.  and i think maybe it’s a possibility.  i think i could be good at it.  but you know what?  i’m such a perfectionist, that i get writer’s block.  yep.  i start writing and then i think, “that’s not good enough”.  so i stop.  how terrible is that?  i’m my own worst enemy. 

know what else i want?  i want to be a stay at home mom.  i do.  i want to sit with zoey in the morning and read books to her, have play dates in the afternoon, pull my hair out when she won’t nap.  i want to pick taylor up from school and help him with projects.  i want to cook dinner for my family.  teach zoey to bake.  hell, teach myself to bake.  i want to join mommy and me groups and volunteer when taylor is in high school…just to annoy him.  i want to remember family member’s birthdays and send them a handmade card, because i’ll have time. 

i want a house with a yard.  oh and a garden!  i also want a chicken.  but “not a rooster”, says taylor, “because they’re loud and mean!” 

i want to grow my business.  i want to do it better. 

if i have all these things…i’ll be the happiest.  i think. 

it just hurts my heart sometimes that i can’t be at home with zoey… and that i only half listen to taylor when he tells me stories about his day…because we have to get to baseball or study for a test or get ready for bed.  it makes me angry and resentful.  

i don’t want to sit at this desk all day, every day.  under these horrible lights.  staring at a screen.  this isn’t me.  it’s not what brings out the best in me.  it’s bringing me down.  i feel that i’m not using my brain to its fullest potential.  know what i mean?  i just go through the motions.  sometimes i feel that what i do…dumbs me down.  does this makes sense?

sigh.  i literally just sighed.

sometimes i think i’m just a late bloomer in life.  i feel it in my bones that i’ll get to do what i want to do one of these days.  and i know that i’ll have oodles of support behind me and that i’ll feel lighter and better about myself.  that i’ll be a better mother.  a better wife.  a better friend.  a better daughter. 

i get butterflies in my tummy about it.  and tears in my eyes.  all at the same time. 

and on that note…thank you for reading this.  i didn’t so much write this for anyone in particular.  i guess for myself.  i want to look back at this in a year and be able to say…yessssss.  you did it.  or… yay you!  you’re almost there. 


21 thoughts on “i was just thinking…

  1. Paige,

    I know how you feel and the best advice I can give you is just do it! Sit down and make a plan for what you need to do to get where you want to be. Maybe it’s enroll in a writing class, join a critique group, blog more, budget so you can stay home with Zoey…insert anything else you like here. When I quit teaching two years ago to pursue my dream of writing, I never could have guessed how interesting and fulfilling my life could be when I followed my dreams. Yes, there have been sacrifices, compromises, setbacks and failures and I’m sure there will be many more of those to follow. However, I’ve learned that until I step out, take a risk, and face the possibility that it all might just not work out, I’m stuck in a sort of discontentedness with life that affects me in a far worse manner. Sorry for the ramble, but trust me when I say I’ve been there and it was (and continues to be) well worth it to listen to what my heart is telling me. That sounds so “after school special”, but it’s true. :) Best of Luck!

  2. I feel that way too, only I already have my “dream job;” but, I’ve had it for 6 years……The feeling started about year three. So I think that feeling may just be innately stuck into female psyche.

  3. i know exactly how you feel and am in the exact same place (except i don’t have kids yet, but unless i get my act together soon i’ll be in the exact same place when i DO have kids, because i’ve always wanted to be able to stay at home and unless i figure something major out, that won’t be able to happen). however, i did just finish the first draft of my first novel. and i’m ready to share it with friends, which is something i’ve never done. the only (useless) advice i can give you is to try to write through the block. a glass of wine (or two) helps nicely, i find. take a notebook outside somewhere, even just on your lunch break, and just write. i was feeling really blocked a few months ago and i started reading “the artist’s way” by julia cameron, and i don’t know if it was the book or my “creative club” (which i started with a group of similarly-blocked friends to discuss/share/inspire each other), but i’m feeling pretty creatively productive lately.

    my job is boring. i, too, am sick of these bright lights and straining my eyes to see things i’m not interested in, on a screen, just so i can have health insurance and pay off my student loans. i think admitting these things to yourself is the first step. once you realize what you want, you can start taking small steps toward something. and you can’t always drop everything and join a club or take a class–but that’s okay, because creativity comes from the root of YOU.

    and i recommend “the artist’s way.” i’m not a self-help person AT ALL, but something about this book seems to work for me. especially the morning pages.

  4. I understand how you feel. As a college students sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life. Yes, I’m more than gratefuland happy about my life, the education opportunity I’m getting, my supportive family, and wonderful fiance but I too think; is that all? Hopefully, when I’m able to, I would like to travel and expand my mind and learn new cultures.

    I think if you realy want to be a SAHM, do all you can to try to be it; rearrange finance if you can. They say that it isn’t what we did that we regret but what we DIDN’T do that we regret.

  5. You know I was a stay at home mom AND a beginning writer in my late 20s and early 30s, but things were not great with my marriage. People may have envied my life then, but I knew what the trade-offs were. The older I became, the more I realized that the very nature of choices means that there are trade-offs. Yet, the more choices I made and the narrower my path became, the happier I was.

  6. follow your heart! if you want to stay home i bet you can find a way! i cut waaaaayyyy back on everything and completely changed my lifestyle when i had oliver to be able to stay home. being a single mom i had no choice but to work some. but i’m so glad i made the sacrifices i did in order to spend as much time with him as i could. you’ll figure it out! just do what feels right!

  7. When I decided I had had enough at my shitty job, I quit it (as you know). It was scary and stressful as I did it unexpectedly without “saving more” or “planning” for the loss of over 1/2 our income.
    But you know what? We survived. We realized how much money we pissed away frivolously and I had the chance to get to know myself better and formulate a plan and priority list for my future.
    And then what happened?
    A job I never could have dreamed up myself just fell into my lap via an unexpected phone call.
    My new job holds all the things I have always loved about my career without the parts I hated. Sure it is going to be stressful at times. Sure it takes me across state lines most days and my commute is long. But yesterday I got to run around NYC in my heels, playing with clothing and doing what I have always done best.
    The moral of the story?
    Follow your bliss and you won’t believe the roads that open up for you.
    I thought I wanted to just be home with my kids too. But they are bigger now and the stress of how I was going to afford college and have the ability to support them financially as they begin to spread their own wings was too much too bear sometimes. Now I have a way to fulfill the plan in my mind. Do I want to stay in the same place forever? Absolutely not! I know where I want us to be in more ways than one and this job will enable us to get there. Fast. The kids are doing great (in fact, I have a crazy week next week and have decided to just stay in NY Monday night and Tuesday night instead of driving back and forth) and hubby has this great thing all planned out involving take out both nights and no chores. They all can’t wait for me to go. Lol.
    You sound like you are where I was last September.
    Sounds like it’s time for a change!
    If you want to chat more about it shoot me an email Lady! You’re not alone! xoxo

  8. I hear you! I think realizing that even though you’re an all-around happy person, there could still BE more to your life. I know I felt similarly a few months back, which is why I’m currently taking a break from packing all of my earthly belongings (is clothes, books, shoes) and mailing them to California. Sometimes it takes some to figure out what it is that you need to feel a higher level of engagement but I’m sure you’ll figure it out Paige!

  9. I did it. Or am in the process of doing it.

    I quit my job in 2009. Not the best financial move or economic timing but I can’t change that. I had gone to undergrad and gotten 2 degrees in four years. I had worked as a business manager for 5 years. I thought I wanted to be in business. I wanted to be the smart business woman that everyone respected. Then I discovered that I didn’t want that. Well I did, but I just wanted a different version of it. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted (and still do want) a job where I am constantly challenged, where my brains are used and rewarded. So I quit and went to law school.

    Now I am about to graduate (May) and enter into the work legal market in over a century. It is rough. Out of 300 of us graduating only a few of have jobs (I know of/have heard of less than 15). That means 95% of us don’t know how we will support ourselves come July (after the bar). But I know this. And I refuse to let it paralyze me or prevent me from doing what I want.

    I worked for a firm this past summer and got a chance to see what my “dream job” would be like…. AND I LOVED IT. It was everything I wanted. It made me realize that I made the right choice.

    Only you can know what is best for you and your family. But I will say that knowing what you want is the first step. The rest is just getting up everyday and making moves to making it a reality. Otherwise you are a victim of your circumstance. I refuse to be any sort of victim :)

    Be strong. You can do it. It sounds like you have an amazing support team. Make it happen!

  10. I am 34 and I was feeling just as you are…for a l.o.n.g. time. I tried so many different things to help fill the void, so to speak, that I was feeling. Various outlets of being creative, hobbies, exercise, etc. but it wasn’t helping. My biggest issue was spending 40+ hours in a job that I didn’t love in the same fluorescent lighting as you and being constantly reminded that I wasn’t with my three boys or husband. We couldn’t afford for me to just quit but I did start job hunting and being open but selective at the same time. Next thing I know I landed a job at a high school and am currently on spring break. I took a pay cut but the better hours and time off and the change in scenery has more than made up for it. I can’t even tell you how much this change helped my well being. So what I’m saying is, just start looking. Look for job opportunities, college classes, anything of that sort. And then don’t be afraid to make the jump.

  11. Hiiiiiii.
    Just catching up on reading.

    I understand. I do. So much. And I get to do some of those things. But I feel like I’m still growing and stretching myself into the me I want to be that fits into the life where we are. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that to read your words my heart leaped like, “Oh! She knows too!”

    We need to talk again soon. Obviously.

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  13. As if I didn’t adore you already. This post makes me adore you more. While I am mostly doing what I want to do, it’s not in the way I want to do it. And I never thought I would want to be at home but it’s amazing how babies can change your mind about things. I still don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom. But part of me wishes I could be with her during the day more often. To have that choice more often.

    I don’t know what the magic formula is to get what you want. I suppose it’s hard work, communication with your partner, prioritizing things in the way that helps you reach your goals. Let me know when you figure it out! xoxo

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  15. Umm, I left the “oh-so-glamorous-fashion-industry” {in NYC no less) and am now a nanny. Being a nanny makes me SO MUCH happier! I know I didn’t quite have the choice to leave the industry {my job got cut} but I am so thankful things have worked out the way they have. I was definitely just staying there because it was “comfortable” and I basically didn’t have the balls to leave on my own accord, I mean, how many girls would’ve killed to have my job. Deep down, I knew I wanted to go back to school in early childhood education. Not quite there yet, but this is a stepping stone in the right direction at least.

    I’m a firm believer in “all things happen for a reason” and that things will work themselves out. I have long conversations with my husband about where we are heading in life and what are we going to do {once a baby enters the picture} but I am never fearful or doubtful that things won’t work. Maybe i’m naive but to be honest, i’ve been living this way for the last 10+ years and have never been disappointed.

    So all this to say: 1. you are not alone in feeling this way. and 2. don’t worry about it! Something will come your way, or life will work its magic where you will find yourself doing what you want to do. I’m sure of it.

    Best of luck!


    • hey mel! thanks for sharing. :) i’m sure it was hard to leave such an exciting industry, but you know what? i can totally tell that you’re more relaxed and happier. you’re absolutely glowing in every photo. i too believe that everything happens for a reason. i know that things are about to change for me…for my family. and it’s going to be the right move. just can’t talk about it yet. ;)

  16. Sorry I am slow at catching up, I just wanna say do whatever you wanna do and dont worry about anything that happens because everything happens for a reason! All the best! :)

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